Donât Be A Wallflower! A Beginnerâs Guide To Building Rapport

Building rapport is the art of establishing an emotionally comfortable relationship with a person during a conversation.

When I first started as a call centre trainer, I listened to a sales team leader''s briefing. Like many naturally talented salespeople, he couldn''t explain how he was so good.

He told his team to build rapport with their customers. One recent recruit asked: 'How do we build rapport?' He replied: 'Be yourself!'

I thought to myself: 'What does that mean? There must be a way to train for this.'

I did some research on the internet and found various techniques. These are the top four which I included in the first training session of our agents'' onboarding course.

Key Principles

1. Use the other person''s name

Dale Carnegie said people like nothing more than the sound of their own name. Using a person''s name can get and hold their attention very effectively. Like all games, this one has rules.

Make sure you know how to pronounce it. I work with people from all over the world. I often first see their names in written form. So I will ask them, 'How do I pronounce your name?' No one wants to hear someone mispronounce their name, and they will appreciate that you have taken the trouble to say it correctly.

Don''t overuse it. The classic stereotype of the 'slimy sales guy' uses a customer''s name at the end of every sentence. Use the person''s name at the start of the conversation, and then at points where you want her to pay special attention. That should not be more than once or twice.

Names can be a sensitive topic. In the English-speaking world, using first names with complete strangers is considered normal. In the Czech Republic, it''s still common to use 'Mr.'/'Mrs.' and a surname. Be careful to fit in with what''s normal for their culture, or you could be seen as disrespectful.

2. Question, answer, comment (QAC)

When two people talk for the first time, they often ask each other questions.

At a conference, you might ask: 'What do you think of the event?'

When your partner replies, respond with a comment before asking the next question. Here''s an example:

'What do you think of the event?'

'It''s not what I expected. I was hoping there would be more presentations.'

'Really? What aspect of XYZ are you interested in?'

The comment, 'Really?' shows you are interested in her answer.

Two points to note: your comment needs to be appropriate to the answer, and you should not use the same comment for every answer, otherwise, you will sound like a bored telemarketer.

3. Something in common

Finding something in common with the other person is a good rapport-building technique. If you are talking to someone, you are in the same physical or virtual environment.

You could ask a question or comment about the event you are both attending.

You could comment about the signal quality of the video conference call you are on.

If you meet face to face, you could do the classic British thing and talk about the weather!

You could also volunteer some personal information, such as mentioning your children or pets. People love to respond with a similar comment of their own. Suddenly, you find that you both have teenage sons or Jack Russell terriers. You have something in common to talk about!

4. Humour

This is the most effective, but the riskiest way to build rapport. Humour is usually culturally specific. What makes one person laugh could leave another person cold, or even get you a fist in the face.

I wait for the other person to make the first joke, to gauge what works for her.

If you''re going to make a joke, don''t make a joke at the expense of anyone you are talking to.

I know someone who was talking to the managing director of another company. He made a humorous comment about salespeople. The managing director had spent the first 20 years of his career in sales.

You may think that self-deprecatory humour is a safe option, but in some cultures, making jokes about yourself is seen as a sign of insecurity and weakness.

How Can I Improve My Game?

Two professionals shake hands and smile at each other

Start by watching other people and how they build rapport.

Watch what other people do in meetings or conversations. Watch TV or films where people have conversations. Police dramas are great since police officers usually try to build rapport with witnesses and suspects who they interview.

Start actively practicing by trying one technique at a time in conversations. Watch how your conversational partners react, and take that as feedback.

I used a practice activity where every new trainee had to ask the other trainees five questions to get to know each other. They had to use rapport-building techniques. Fifteen minutes after the exercise kicked off, the classroom sounded like a party!

If you go to a networking event, prepare four or five simple questions and go around the room and try to talk to everyone, using the rapport-building techniques. See how they react.

Follow Up

I love hearing how people get on when they use these techniques, what works for them and what doesn''t. Send me a message and let me know how you got on!

Published October 13, 2022

How And Why All Teachers Must Teach Vocabulary

Being able to both comprehend and write increasingly complex text and participate in oral discourse starts with a knowledge of words. Yet far too many of our students stumble in expressing their thoughts, understanding the written intent of others, or even understanding what is being asked of them in written prompts because they do not have nor are growing in their awareness of vocabulary.

The reasons why our students may lack robust vocabularies are varied. Some students are coming to English as second language learners. Others may have or have not been exposed to a varied vocabulary in their homes. Still, others may be hamstrung by the way we have been teaching reading in our schools: phonics and/or decoding in the early yearsâthe debate still ragesâbeing phased out in favor of specific academic content instruction in middle and high school. I, myself, can think back to my early days of teaching 6th grade when I had a student come into my class the day after they arrived from Vietnam with no English-speaking skills. Although she received push out ELL services, if only I knew then how to better scaffold the learning through language supports, perhaps she might have been able to be more fully present in class.

While we are all literacy teachers, tell that to some middle and high school science, math, and/or social studies teachers and you might be told in return that they teach their subject content not English. Still, how can one teach content well if students do not understand what they are reading? Also, how can students write in full paragraphs if they donât know words?

Teaching Vocabulary Helps Students Develop Content Knowledge

Teacher teaches a young student vocabulary

Think strategically about how vocabulary might help your students master content-specific standards. As a consultant, Iâm always recommending that teachers utilize Harvey Silverâs vocabulary CODE activities. These activities assist students in connecting vocabulary to key concepts, in organizing/categorizing words, in deep processing words, and in exercising the mind through exercise and practice.

While we see word walls in many classrooms these days, which is an excellent strategy that compares words to units of study, we should not stop there. Sadly, this is often the case. Word walls are NOT for classroom decoration only; students need to practice these words intentionally during instruction. One way to do this, for instance, might be to have students describe how a set of three words from the word wall might be related (the three-way tie strategy).

Teachers can also gamify the learning of vocabulary by giving âpointsâ for student use of specific vocabulary within their written responses. I would often give my students a word splash activity at both the beginning and end of a lesson. In this strategy, students are given a writing prompt as well as a series of words to use in their response. Students are then told to use as many words as they can in their response.

Comparing the quality of the response/vocabulary produced at the beginning of the lesson, before instruction, with the same prompt response provided at the end of the lesson can be a brilliant way to check on student growth in understanding during a lesson. Have students used more vocabulary in the second response? Are connections between concepts stronger after instruction than before?

Vocabulary Development Strategies Are For ALL Students

I recently had the opportunity to present these vocabulary development strategies at a middle/high school workshop. By engaging in a 4As discussion protocol, we were able to surface assumptions made by Mr. Silver in his work, where we agreed, where we argued/or disagreed, and where we might apply his vocabulary development strategies in our own lesson planning.

Several concerns and/or misconceptions emerged, one being that the study of vocabulary is only for students who are underperforming. To be true, studying vocabulary can assist ELLs and other students below mastery to meet learning objectives and, as such, is an excellent scaffold. At the same time, depending on the complexity of the words themselves, vocabulary development strategies can help more advanced students solidify and extend their knowledge of key concepts/themes in their learning.

To bring in higher-order thinking and learning within vocabulary development activities, consider the level of complexity of the words that students are studying. Per the work of Isabel Beck, Margaret McKeown, and Linda Kucan, in Bringing Words to Life, we can think of vocabulary as being in three tiers: tier one (everyday words like tree or cat), tier two (school words like analyze or discuss), and tier three words (content-specific words like reformation or reconstruction). I would argue that middle and high schools could consider the academic words that they want the entire school community practicing with students (tier 2) and have this language posted/discussed throughout the school community while teachers could not only be promoting the use of these tier 2 vocabulary words in class but also be working with students to increase their knowledge of specific content vocabulary (tier 3). As an aside, I also use Robert Marzanoâs work, Building Academic Vocabulary, with teachers. Most notably, his lists of academic words in each content area.

Making Time For Vocabulary Instruction

Teacher teaches his students vocabulary during class

Teachers in the training also surfaced the question of time. When there is so much to teach, where is the time to front-load all this vocabulary? Consider when it is and is not appropriate to use a vocabulary development strategy with all students at the same time. However, also consider how individual students could practice vocabulary on their own. For instance, I used to always keep blank copies of the Frayer Model available in the classroom so that students could practice vocabulary on an as-needed basis. Students could also be practicing vocabulary at rotating stations as well as completing other tasks if the lesson is planned accordingly. Lastly, just like we do not want all middle/high school teachers giving a test on the same day, confer with teaching colleagues so that the front-loading of vocabulary is staggered across classes.

If you would like additional ideas on how to impact student lives without sacrificing your own, and have a life teaching, check out my quick hack teaching courses, including on student engagement, here. You can also reach me on LinkedIn.